I fired my therapist...
With all of the things occurring in my life the way that they were, I decided a few months ago to seek professional help do deal with it. I've had a couple of appointments and I had 4 scheduled appointments to go in this cycle. I didn't blog about it for its obvious personal reasons but now I must. I sought the help of this therapist because I have a very hard time controlling my anger. It doesn't take much for an adult to piss me off to the point that I could choke them to death. Children are in a category all their own and I rarely loose my temper with them. When I do lose my temper with kids, I almost always either yell at them to go to their room or put them in the corner. This condition started after the death of my daughter. I never dealt with her death in an appropriate way. Instead, I drank heavily for a year and then bottled every emotion up inside of me.
My therapist, on the first visit, performed an evaluation test. If it were possible to flunk this test, I did. The results of the test revealed that I have an anger problem, social anxiety and a dangerous form of fearlessness. She explained to me that I needed medication to level me out so that therapy would sink deep into my head and hopefully give me skills to deal with my problems. She also suggested group therapy. Due to these 2 statements, I did not want to go back. I have very good reasons as to why.
I'm a breastfeeding mother and there are only a limited number of medications that will not interfere with milk production or that are passed through to the child. I don't like pills, never have and never will. (I barely used pain medication after a C-Section due to this.)
Group therapy won't work for me because:
I have buried these feelings, in public, for 5 years and appeared to be normal to every person that I came in contact with. If I were a social kind of person, it wouldn't have taken me 5 years to decide that I have a problem and seek help for it. I would close back up in a group therapy situation. Duh, I have social anxiety.
I did go back for that second appointment, just to give it a go. We explored further into my background and current feelings. She is not a very good listener and interrupted every chance that she got. The fact that I had to be locked onto her eyes, looking into my eyes, for the entire hour session didn't turn me onto her either. We worked on techniques to control my anger towards adults too. She suggested that I count backwards from 10, taking deep breaths between numbers until I calmed down and was able to communicate. Ok, if you haven't guessed, this woman isn't much of a therapist. She's either retarded or just stupid because counting does not work. If counting worked, I would have kicked so many people's asses through the years. I walked away thinking that I was wasting my time but made 4 additional appointments, just to try to receive this professional help.
Today, I got a call from my therapists receptionist.
"Hello Mrs. S, I'm E from Dr. H's office. She is going to be away for your next 2 scheduled appointments and ask me to call to reschedule your appointments." She sounded as if she really hated her job.
"Okay." I was rolling my eyes at this point.
"How does Sept 27 at 5:00pm sound?" still sounding enthusiastic.
"Um, it doesn't sound good at all. I need Mondays or Tuesdays only and only between 9:30am and 1:00pm." I tried to make my point without being bitchy about it.
"Oh, that is a problem, let me check -- long pause -- ok, October 24th at 10:00am."
"That's over 2 months from my last appointment, isn't there something sooner?" *GEEZ*
"I'm sorry, that's the closest that I have unless there is a cancellation, it will just have to do you."
"Are you getting an attitude with me?"
"Well no but I can if you wish me to."
"Hold up bitch! You call me to reschedule, you get an attitude when I tell you the times that are convenient to me and now you are mouthing off at me? Can't you see on my chart that I have a fucking problem controlling my God damned anger? I don't know who the fuck you think you are but you have barked up the wrong damn tree. I'll have your ass bitch. *click*" whew, I feel better but the bitch hung up on me. I was so not satisfied with that, so I call back.
"Good afternoon, Dr. H's office," A different chick blurted.
"I need to speak with Dr. H please."
"Dr. H is with a patient, may I take a message?"
"You most certainly may, are you ready?" Up until now, I was using a very sweet voice.
"Yes Ma'am, I'm ready." She cheerfully said.
"Ok - short pause - This is Mrs. S and I just got off of the phone with E who had called me to reschedule my next 2 scheduled appointments but she got an attitude with me and now I am so fucking pissed that I am about to come down there and rip her guts through her asshole and wring them around her neck so that she will know in the future not to talk to me like I'm a fucking dog. Dr. H can call me in less than 5 minutes or I'll be coming to that office to treat E to a hand made enema and then I'll bend over so that Dr. H can kiss my ass." I took a breathe. "Got that?"
"y-y-yyes" she said, stuttering.
I was and still am pissed about the entire situation. Needless to say, Dr. H called me back almost immediately.
"April, this is Dr. H and I am so sorry that E talked to you in a way that you did not like but I'm sure we can talk you out of this aggressive period. Take a deep breath and count with me..." As if!
"*deep breathe*10 *deep breath* 9 *deep breath* 8 *deep breath* 7 *deep breath*" I'm sure you get the point but I went all of the way down to 1.
Then she said, "Now, doesn't that feel better?"
"um, no, I still want to gut E and bend over for your ignorant ass so that you can kiss my ass." I replied.
"I'm not sure that I can help you April, your anger is certainly worse than I imagined." She stuttered out.
"I'm glad that you have enough of a fucking brain to realize that your pussy techniques will not work for someone with real aggression issues. I'm firing your incompetent ass. Cancel every appointment that I have with you and jump off of the first bridge you pass because you are the most pathetic excuse for a therapist that I have ever came in contact with. If your office contacts me again, I will press harassment charges against the lot of you. Have a nice day. *click*"
I gave it a go and throughout my entire therapy experience, I finally got the relief that I was looking for when I gave that stupid hoochie a piece of my mind. I picture her still holding a beeping phone and crying. That makes me happy.
~~still pissed though