Okay so last Tuesday, I told you that I had figured out my problem but was going to wait until I had confirmation. I now have confirmation that I am not a whack job, crazy or otherwise out of my mind. Good news right? One may assume that it is good news however I also confirmed today that I have serious issues that need my direct and full attention. I say this because...
Today I saw a head shrinker, some of you refer to these people as "physiologist." I did this because of some feelings that I just can't shake. I've never really dealt with my daughter's death and thought that this was probably a good time to do so. Due to my never dealing with Audrey's death I have a few problems now:
inability to deal with and control anger anxiety in large crowds emotional blocks overprotective with my kids disgust of my husband no fear, natural or otherwise uncontrollable and frequent mood swings
That is quite the list but the good news is that I won't have to take out a second mortgage on my house to pay for the shrinker bills. So here's the basic rundown of my explanation on the above problems and how they are directly linked to the death of my daughter.
I was completely alone when I discovered our daughter in her lack of life state. My mother was returning from vacation, my husband was working and no other family or neighbors were around. I think that I blame my husband for not being there when the discovery was made. After her death, I would avoid high crowd areas due to the possibility of seeing a red headed little girl that would be her age. I wanted to avoid such sightings due to my freaking out in public. I already had/have a problem with needing to be in control and I can't control anyone but myself so the thought of losing control in front of any number of people freaks me out. After having Isaac, I developed the over protectiveness of my children. It was ok with Isaac but I fear that I've gone overboard with Nicholas and it could end up effecting his life. The anger has grown and grown, almost like the snowball effect. My mood swings have gone from natural to above average as a result of not dealing with anything related to this and as a result of that, I have developed a fear of nothing and no regard towards the emotions of others.
*takes a deep breath*
Now that this is out of my system, I'll tell you about the rest of my day. I got a call from the preschool coordinator today regarding Isaac going to school. When we registered him, he was put first on the waiting list for enrollment due to his age and the fact that there were 4 year olds and they are priority. So this chick calls me today and tells me that school started today and 2 kids didn't show up. One of the kid's parents called and the other hasn't been heard from and can not be contacted. Should the kid whose parents can not be contacted doesn't show up for school, Isaac will be able to go and could start as soon as Thursday. She prefers that he start on a Monday though. This would mean that I will be able to get back to work and have personal goals again. Woohoo!