i'm human, damn it!
First a little history...
My husband and I owned a home once. We moved in right before the birth of our first child, Audrey, on July 28, 1999. Life was great for a little while but then our whole world fell apart. Audrey passed away at 2 months and 27 days (October 24, 1999). I hated life. I had no desire to live or to do anything but be zombiefied for almost a year. Then I got pregnant with Isaac and refused to get attached to him -- that went straight out the window as soon as I saw his sweet face(June 22, 2001). Life was good again, until Audrey's birth and death dates came around. Its like I always had an itch that I couldn't scratch --something in the background digging away at my person. Tim and I went through hell and high water. I couldn't deal with it anymore and left -- thinking that I was just completely nuts and there was no hope for me or us. It turns out that as soon as I was free from that house, I was fine, so it is gone -- Tim and I have been happily renting for awhile now and fine with the whole thing.
Recently, I've been missing something. Ya know the feeling like you haven't done something that you need to do. Tim and I communicate every feeling every day so that we stay on the same wave length -- we have learned this is the best way to keep me from going insane again. He has been trying to help me figure out what it is. So we were driving about a month ago and saw a "For Sale" sign in the front yard of a pretty house. It dawned on me that I have my family - hubby, kids, cat -, everything for a house but it is all incomplete because the house that we live in is not OURS. I turn to him and tell him that it is time for us to have a house again - our own house. He blinked a few times, agreed and ask me how we should get started. A couple of days later, our landlord's daughter tells us that our landlord has broken her hip again and when she goes into the nursing home full time, the house will be transferred into her eldest son's name and he plans on flatting this house to make way for a hay field -- great news right? *laugh* The very next day, I find a realestate agent and begin the search for a house. We have looked a few houses but nothing really jumped at us, until today...
One day last week, when we went grocery shopping, I noticed that the same house that made me realize that I needed permanency in shelter was still for sale. I wrote the number down and had forgotten all about it until today. I called, left a message and expected not to hear from the owners because Isaac was "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mooooooooooooooommy" and Nicholas was "waaa waaaa waaaa *hiccup* waaaaaaaa waaaa" the entire time that I left the message. A chick called me this evening, informs me that she got the message and was returning my call about this house. We discussed a few things and arranged to meet at the house at a specific time so that I could see the inside of it.
Holy shit! First of all, after I parked and got the kids out, I looked back at the car and it looked totally like it belonged there. Then I go inside and it is empty. I blink a couple of times and suddenly I can see our crap in it! I wiped my eyes and the visions went away but it totally freaked me out. I told the woman that I could see our things in this house and she smiled really big after saying, "Well, that's important."
This is the house that I want. It is in excellent condition, a great area, awesome view, only requires a fence to be completely safe for the kids and it is the right price. Tim is working and he needs to see the house. I almost can't wait until Monday. I know that Tim will love it.
I try not to get emotional about anything. I've stripped my life of all bullshit causing agents and prefer it simple. I have learned that simplicity works for me and my sanity but I can't help getting excited about this house.
~~cross your fingers